The Hidden Epidemic: Understanding Covert Depression in Men
The Hidden Epidemic: Understanding Covert Depression in Men
When I first read Chapter Three of Terrence Real’s I Don’t Want to Talk About It, I was surprised by how much the symptoms of covert depression resonated with my own experiences. After more than thirty years in mental health therapy, I’ve witnessed how quickly diagnostic trends can shift—once with ADHD, and now, increasingly, with the label of narcissism, especially among men.
Brené Brown once quipped that “you can’t throw a cat in this country without hitting a narcissist.” She later clarified that our culture tends to nurture narcissistic traits, rather than producing a nation full of people with clinical narcissistic personality disorder. This distinction is crucial: understanding it helps us address the real issues rather than mislabeling those who are struggling.
What Is Covert Depression?
Terrence Real describes covert depression as a hidden epidemic among men. Unlike the more familiar signs of depression—sadness, withdrawal, or tears—covert depression often manifests as emotional numbness, addiction, domestic violence, or other destructive behaviors. These actions are not simply character flaws; rather, they are defenses against deep-seated shame and disconnection. Unfortunately, society is quick to dismiss these behaviors as mere personality issues, missing the underlying pain.
The Mask of Masculinity
Many men cope with covert depression by doubling down on “manly” behaviors. Instead of expressing vulnerability, they may overcompensate with exaggerated masculinity, overachievement, or risk-taking. These coping strategies, often learned in childhood, can become destructive in adulthood. Substance abuse and affairs may offer temporary relief for fragile self-esteem, but when the high fades, depression returns—fueling a cycle that deepens isolation rather than fostering connection. To outsiders, these patterns can look like narcissism, but they are often rooted in covert depression.
Breaking the Cycle
Irritability, rage, and aggression frequently serve as outlets for suppressed grief. When boys grow up in environments where emotions are discouraged, they learn to avoid vulnerability, passing these patterns on to the next generation. The result is a cycle of emptiness and emotional disconnection that can persist for years.
Moving Toward Healing
Terrence Real suggests that the first step toward healing is making covert depression overt—allowing oneself to feel, rather than running from those feelings. This process involves letting go of the need to cling to a rigid identity and embracing vulnerability as a path to genuine connection and well-being.
If you or someone you know is struggling with these issues, remember: you’re not alone, and help is available. Opening up about covert depression is a courageous first step toward healing.
